Get ready, cause this is a WHOLE lot of funny! :)
EQUAL BUT NOT THE SAME
These may not be true for ALL guys, but the last one is definitely spot on! :)
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
What Do You Do All Day
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her. He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "what happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?" "Yes," he replied. She answered, "Well today I didn't do it!"
The Woman, The Frog, And Three Wishes
Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I forgot to mention that there was a condition to your wishes--that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better." The woman said, "That would be fine." For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him." The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, poof--she's the most beautiful woman in the world. For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be 10 times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine..." So, poof, she's the richest woman in the world. The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
The relatives gathered in the waiting room of the hospital, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news." he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's a standard pricing practice. We have to mark the female brains down because they've been used."
McDonald's Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
~An English professor wrote on the blackboard: Punctuate this sentence: 'Woman without her man is nothing'. The men wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.' All the women wrote: 'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.'
~Be consistent (but not all the time)
~Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away, and you have their shoes too.
~Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis ad capul tuum saxum immane mittam. - I have a catapult. Give me all the money or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
~First, God created man. Then he had a better idea.
~Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh and Jeez.
~I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.
~I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
~I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
~I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
~I once thought I made a mistake, but I was wrong.
~I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.
~I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
~If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
~If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
~If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
~If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.
~If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
~If you can read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence 'If you can read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence' - Twice!
~If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
~May the forces of evil become lost and confused on the way to your house.
~May your troubles be like an old man's teeth... few and far between.
~Men have feelings too (but who really cares)
~My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
~My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
~ Necca me latre. - Kill me with a brick.
~Never knock on Death's door: Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
~Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
~Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
~On a sign outside a church: "This is a C H _ _ C H ... what's missing?
~On Gilligan's Island, if the professor could build a radio out of coconut, why couldn't he fix a hole in the boat?
~On the other hand, you have different fingers.
~One night, as I lay in bed, I looked up at all of the stars in the sky, and thought, "Where the heck is my ceiling?"
~Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.
~That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore.
~That which does not kill me... makes me meaner!
~What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
~When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
~When someone annoys you, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.
~Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? - George Carlin
~Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
What is a Cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They’re totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They’re moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They’re tiny little women in fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they’re not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9) They leave their toys everywhere.
10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They’re little men in fur coats
~Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
~The ashes of the average cremated person weighs nine pounds.
~Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
~Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
~A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at up to 600 MPH.
~Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
~A Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.
~Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
~Every person has a unique tongue print.
~Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
~Women's hearts beat faster than men's do.
~Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
~The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing their hands in Jell-O.
~Every time Beethoven sat down to write music; he poured ice water over his head.
~When snakes are born with 2 heads, they fight each other for food.
How to Annoy People:
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy".
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Leave a Message!
"Hi, this is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."
(Narrator speaks:) "There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the phone rings! The bathroom explodes into a tornado of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."
"Hi, I am probably home; I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
I would say God bless you but it looks like he already did.
Guy: It's a good thing I have my library card, because I'm checking you out.
Girl: Oh, sorry, I'm reserved for someone else.
Can I even get a fake number?
Girl: Do you like bananas or blueberries?
Girl: I wanna know what kind of pancackes to make in the morning.
Hey baby. Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm not a poet, but darn girl, you're hot!
Hi there. Inheriting 50 million dollars doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
I've heard milk is good for the body, but DARN how much did you drink!?
Are you stalking me? Cause that would be super!
Are you a magician? Because ever time I look at you, everyone else disappears